You are not alone.
It is not your fault. Domestic abuse and violence is a universal societal problem that does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, race, ethnicity, religion, marital status, sexual orientation, income, social status, education level, health status, or profession.
If you are in immediate danger, dial 9-1-1.
For free, private, and confidential counseling, information, and referrals
24-hours a day, call 1.800.220.8116.
Learn more ways to get help by exploring the links below.
> Embarrass you with put-downs?
> Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
> Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
> Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
> Take your money, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
> Make all of the decisions?
> Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
> Prevent you from working or attending school?
> Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
> Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
> Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
> Shove you, slap you, strangle you, or hit you?
> Force you to try and drop charges?
> Threaten to commit suicide?
> Threaten to kill you?
If you answered “yes” to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.
Courtesy of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224, www.ndvh.org.
In an emergency:
If you are at home and are being threatened or attacked, avoid rooms with weapons (including the kitchen) and stay away from bathrooms, closets, or small spaces where the abuser can trap you.
Get to a room with an outside door or window to escape or a room with a telephone you can use to call for help. Call 9-1-1. Lock the abuser out of the room if you can.
If you get out of the house, run to a neighbor's or friend's house for help.
Take the children with you.
If the police come, tell what happened and write down the police officer's badge number.
Take pictures of your bruises and injuries.
If you are still in the relationship: Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs.
Make a list of safe people to contact. Memorize emergency phone numbers.
If possible, keep a telephone in a room you can lock from the inside, or get a cellular telephone you can keep with you at all times. Keep change (for a payphone) with you at all times.
Establish a "code word" or "sign" so that family, friends, teachers, or co-workers know when to call for help.
Plan an escape route and teach it to your children.
Talk to a friend, neighbor, co-worker, family member, clergy, or someone else for support.
Call 1.800.220.8116 for free, private, and confidential information, support, and referrals 24-hours a day.
Prepare a safety plan and escape bag. (Click here for details.)
If your abuser has moved out or you've ended the relationship:
Change the locks on your doors and install locks on your windows.
Think about where you would go if you need to escape. Plan an escape route out of your home and teach it to your children.
Ask your neighbors to call the police if they see the abuser at your house. Make a signal for them to call the police; for example, if the phone rings twice, a shade is pulled down, or a certain light is on.
Get an unlisted phone number.
Block caller ID (call your phone company for information).
Use an answering machine to screen your calls.
Take a good self-defense course. Carry a noisemaker or personal alarm.
Protect yourself outside your home: Change regular travel habits. Consider riding with others and using different routes.
Shop and bank in different places, particularly those further away from the abuser.
Cancel any bank accounts or credit cards you shared. Open new accounts at a different bank in your name only.
Keep your court order and emergency numbers with you at all times.
Keep a cell phone and program it to speed dial 911 (or other emergency numbers).
If you have to travel to another state for work or to get away from the abuser, take your Protection from Abuse order with you. It is valid everywhere in the United States.
Carry noisemakers and/or pepper spray.
Protect yourself at work: Ask someone to screen your calls.
Keep a copy of your court order at work.
Give or show a picture of the abuser to security guards and friends where you work.
Tell your supervisors about the abuse. Ask them to help make it harder for the abuser to find you. Have them consider opportunities for changes within the work structure.
Don't go to lunch alone.
Ask a security guard or co-worker to walk you to your car or bus.
If the abuser calls you at work, save voice mail and e-mail messages.
Locate a well lighted parking space close to the door.
The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she/he decides to leave. Do not leave until you have a carefully thought-out safety plan. As part of your plan, you can:
1. Keep the following with someone you trust: a spare set of keys, a set of clothes, important papers, prescriptions, social security numbers, and some cash which you can accumulate over time.
2. Plan the safest time to get away.
3. Know where you can go for help; tell someone what is happening to you. Have important phone numbers of friends, relatives, law enforcement with you.
4. Develop a code word or phrase to use with a friend if you need help.
5. Plan an emergency escape route and plan. In the event you must immediately flee your home, make and practice an escape plan just like you would for a fire emergency. It will be helpful to put together a bag of clothing for you and your children, gather important papers and store them in a fireproof box. These items can then be kept in an accessible, safe place or away from your home in case you need to make a quick exit.
6. When you leave, take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action, including social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your partner (pay stubs or W-2's), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, e-mails, medical records, etc.).
Information courtesy of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.org.
For more information, visit AWP's MySpace page by clicking here.
Abuse can happen in any relationship. Dating and domestic abuse and violence can happen to anyone at any age, regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, education level, or economic status. Dating abuse and violence isn't an argument every once in a while. It's a pattern of abusive or violent behavior that someone uses against a girlfriend or boyfriend. It includes physical abuse, sexual abuse, and verbal and emotional abuse, including insults, isolation from friends and family, name calling, and controlling what someone wears.
Recent research shows that significant numbers of today's teens are not only victims of dating abuse, but are accepting it as "normal." As older teens enter into serious relationships, an even greater number are exhibiting or accepting controlling, abusive, and violent behavior. To read more teen dating survey results, click here.
If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, you probably are. Don't hesitate to ask for help. AWP's 24-hour hotline is free, private, and confidential. Reach us at 1-800-220-8116.
Warning Signs Does one person in the relationship:
Insult his/her significant other in public?
Act really jealous if his/her boy/girlfriend talks to others?
Check in on the other constantly?
Try to decide what the other should do?
Blow disagreements out of proportion?
Threaten to break up or constantly worry/accuse that the other will break up with them?
Lose his/her temper verbally?
Break or hit things to intimidate the other?
Blame the other for his/her own problems?
THIS IS AN ABUSER.
Does the other person:
Constantly cancel plans for reasons that don't sound true?
Always worry about making her/his boy/girlfriend angry?
Give up things that are important to herself/himself?
Show signs of physical abuse, like bruises or cuts?
Get pressured into having sex or feel like a sex object?
Have a boy/girlfriend that wants her/him to be available all the time?
Become isolated from friends and family?
THIS IS A VICTIM.
Teen dating abuse and violence is really about power and control. It's about one person trying to establish and maintain power and control over another person in a relationship. To learn more about what power and control look like in teen dating relationships, click here to see the Teen Dating Power and Control Wheel (.pdf).
Abuse in a relationship can look, sound, and take on many different forms. Most often, behavior can be grouped into Physical, Sexual, Verbal, and Emotional abuse. Click here to learn more about what the different types of abuse (Teen Dating Violence - Types of Abuse.pdf).
To learn more, click here to see Warning Signs in Relationships (.pdf) and click here to see some characteristics of healthy relationships (Your Relationship is Healthy If... .pdf) and here to see a Relationship Bill of Rights.pdf.
For more information on how to help a friend, click here (Help a Friend.pdf). You can also visit the "Help a Friend, Family Member or Co-Worker " section of this webpage to learn how to help a friend you think may be being abused or who is abusing someone else.
Information from "What You Need to Know About Dating Violence: A Teen's Handbook" from Liz Claiborne's Love is Not Abuse program at www.loveisnotabuse.com and the Family Violence Prevention Fund's See It And Stop It program at www.seeitandstopit.org.
Silence excuses abuse. It's important to speak up, and just as important to be safe and effective when helping a friend, family member, or co-worker who is being abused or abusing someone else. Before becoming involved, it's important you know what to do to help, how to approach the issue, mand where you can turn for help. And, helping can mean dedicating a lot of time and energy to the situation. Know your own boundaries and abilities up front.
For free, private, and confidential help 24-hours a day,
call our hotline at 1-800-220-8116.
To Help a Victim The most dangerous time for victims of domestic violence is when they choose to leave the abusive relationship. By the time they disclose abuse, victims are usually isolated and scared. If someone has chosen to disclose domestic violence to you, that person has taken a very big step. It is critical that the victim can trust you with confidential information. To help, you can:
> Help her/him get medical attention if necessary
> Offer your friendship and support. Be clear that you are there to listen, not judge.
> Tell her/him that it is not her/his fault. Abuse is never acceptable.
> Do accept what she/he tells you. Being too skeptical may drive her/him away.
> Don't spread gossip. Think before you speak. Things you say can get back to the abuser and put the victim in further danger.
> Don't directly confront the abuser. And, don't criticize the abuser to the victim. Criticism can make the victim feel like she/he will have to hide the relationship if it continues.
> Don't blame the victim for the abuse.
> Be patient. The victim knows best when it is safe to move out of an abusive relationship. She/he must work on her/his own timetable. Don't make the victim do something she/he is not ready to do.
> Encourage the victim to build a support network, including other friends, co-workers, supportive family members, clergy members, counselors, etc.
> Encourage the victim to create a safety plan. Click here to learn more.
To Help An Abuser > Talk to him/her if you feel safe doing so. Talk about your concerns. Refuse to accept any excuses. Be clear that you are still a friend (family member, co-worker), but that you disapprove of the behavior.
> Encourage him/her to be honest.
> Help him/her understand that abuse is a choice and learned behavior.
> Encourage him/her to speak with a counselor.
> Don't get stuck in the middle or become a mediator for the couple.
> Reject the behavior, not the person.
> Don't encourage the behavior by laughing at degrading jokes or put-downs. That signals acceptance of the behavior.
Information from the Family Violence Prevention Fund's See It And Stop It program at www.seeitandstopit.org.
As an immigrant to the United States, you have the right to the same domestic violence services as non-immigrants. To find out more, please call our 24-hour hotline at 1.800.220.8116.
Many times, immigration status poses additional barriers for victims of domestic violence. Language barriers, social isolation, a lack of information on immigration laws, and lack of financial resources are just a few of the obstacles immigrants face when seeking safety from abuse.
Abusers may threaten immigrant victims with deportation or reporting to immigration authorities. The federal Violence Against Women Act enables battered immigrants to attain lawful permanent residence on their own. Other forms of immigration relief to battered immigrants include U-visas and gender-based asylum. Call our 24-hour hotline at 1.800.220.8116 and you will be put in touch with a legal advocate who canhelp.
For immigrants who do not speak English, it's important to insist on quality translation when speaking with the police or other authorities. A victim's immediate safety depends on the police having a full understanding of what she or he is saying. Statements to the police must be accurately reported and can be central evidence in criminal cases. It's also important that victims feel completely free to tell the police everything - therefore, police should not use other family members or neighbors to translate.
If you dial 9-1-1 and do not speak English, tell the operator what language you speak and a professional translator should be added onto your call. Keep talking to the operator and translator until the police arrive. If the police do not speak your language and try to use a family member, neighbor, or other member of your household to translate, tell the person to tell the officer that you want a telephone interpretor so that you feel more comfortable and are sure that the officer will understand you. If the officer does not give you a professional interpretor, write your story, in your own language, on a piece of paper and give it to the officer as part of the incident record.
Information courtesy of Family Violence Prevention Fund, www.endabuse.org, and Women's Justice Center and Marie De Santis, www.justicewomen.com.
If you think your online activities are being monitored, they probably are...your Internet, online, and email activities can be easily traced. It is safer to use a computer at a local public library, Internet cafe, community center, or trusted friend's house.
If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. Even if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess. If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, print and save them as evidence of this abuse.
In addition, you can clear the online search history on your computer by clearing the cache history, temporary files, and cookies from your Internet browser. (Cookies are hidden bookmarks a website can place on your computer when you access or visit a website. They are harmless, but can leave a trail of when and where you have been online.) Here are some directions for common Internet browser programs:
Internet Explorer To Clear History and Cache:
1. Choose "Internet Options" from the "Tools" menu
2. On the "General" tab, under"Temporary Internet Files" click "Delete Files"
3. Under "History," click "Clear History"
To Clear Cookies: 1. Choose "Internet Options" from the "Tools" menu
2. On the "General" tab, under"Temporary Internet Files" click "Delete Cookies"
American Online (AOL) 1. Choose "Preferences" from the "Members" menu
2. Click on the "WWW" icon
3. Select Advanced
4. Click "Purge Cache"
Netscape To Clear History:
1. Click on "Communicator" then "Tools" and then "History" on the menu bar at the top of your browser
2. When the History window opens, highlight the addresses you want to erase and press your "Delete" key on the keyboard or click on "Edit" then "Delete" on the menu bar
3. To clear the History file, click "Edit" then "Select All" then "Edit" and "Delete"
To Clear Cache:
1. Click on "Edit" and then "Preferences" on the menu bar
2. Click the "+" sign in front of "Advanced" on the left side of the frame; then click on "Cache"
3. In the Cache window, click on "Clear Memory" and "Clear Disk Cache" buttons; then click "OK"
To Clear Cookies:
1. Open Windows Explorer and find the "Netscape" folder, usually in the "Program" folder on your "C" drive
2. In the "Netscape" folder, open the "Users" folder
3. In "Users" open the "Default" folder
4. In "Default" folder, find the file called "cookies.txt"
5. Delete the file "cookies.txt" to erase all the cookies or double click on the file which will open in Notepad with a list of cookies you can delete selectively
Information courtesy of Domestic Violence InterventionCenter, www.dvic.org, and National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, www.ncadv.org.
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